rerun

The other day while driving I experienced a rerun. Have you ever had a song get stuck in your head and you just can't make it go away? Well that's what happened. Only it wasn't a song; it was a memory. I wanted it to go away, but I just couldn't shake it. I was being forced to relive a painful memory against my will. My thoughts were being held hostage by an idle mind. For most of the morning the re-run played. It always began and ended the same. I guess you can't rewrite history, not even in your imagination. What I was reliving was the day QT called to say there was a lump on her breast. My heart raced as I listened to her calmly tell me the news. She began to talk of a biopsy and surgery, but all I could manage to do was wait for a pause and tell that I'd have to call her back. I had completely lost it. I sat there and sobbed uncontrollably. Never have I felt so inadequate as a husband or as a man as I did right then. If ever my wife needed my strength and comfort it was then, and I offered her neither. I still think of how hard it must have been for her to make that call, what must have been going through her mind. I did eventually gather myself, dust myself off, and call her back. The lump was cancer; and after a lumpectomy, chemo, radiation, and plenty of prayer, the cancer has abated. Sadly, this is a story that never ends. The thought that the cancer could pay a return visit hangs over us both like a 50 ton weight being supported by a piece of old twine. What I don't need is another rerun.